Giant Spider Will Eat 8 Sleeping People, On Average

"We decided not to count the victims in the town whose water supply was tainted by chamomile."

A recent study by the Trustees of the Ether Academy reveals that the average Giant Spider will eat 8 sleeping humanoids during its life. The study, funded by Big Stirge, was conducted by examining the lairs of over 100 Giant Spiders and studying their contents. “It is easy to count when the victims have been cocooned,” says Senior Academic Lielke Gallquest. “Otherwise you have to piece together the bones that are left, and it’s really hard to tell if they were sleeping when they were eaten.” That wasn’t the only difficulty the studied faced though, as one member of the research team misunderstood the assignment. “At first, our rogue was trying to count the number of humanoids eaten while the spiders were asleep,” says Gallquest. “I don’t even know how you would find that out.”

Assistant Academic, Real Liteleaf, explained to The Dungeon Tribune some of the finer points of the study. “Almost all humanoids are counted, except for halflings, they count as half. And we did have to eliminate some outliers,” says Liteleaf. “We decided not to count the victims in the town whose water supply was tainted by chamomile. It seemed too easy for the spiders. And of course we didn’t count werespiders, whether they were eating or being eaten.” No awakened spiders were included in the study either.

While the team of researchers is very proud of their efforts, criticism has haunted the study since peer review. One of the major critiques is that the study lacks any practical applications. “How is this information supposed to help the empire and its citizens?” asks Representative Seat Occupier Sevit Leapgrout. “Maybe if they had studied where these humanoids were eaten, we would know of places safe from spider attack. Or perhaps it would help to know which people are more likely to be eaten.” Gallquest responded with a written statement: “Location and characteristics of victims are certainly worthy research topics, and we’ll be happy to accept any grant monies related to those future studies.”

Perhaps the biggest criticism of the study comes from rival researcher Gespard Olgirod: “I understand having to count the pre-existing victims,” says Olgirod. “But I think it might be a conflict of interest to count the researchers that were eaten during the study. They were the ones who decided to long rest in the spider lair. It seems like data manipulation to me.”